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Monday, December 17
New wireless technology developed in Sweden promises to give sports fans more information than ever before about games in progress. The "Event System" system, which is probably the most ungainly name since Exelixis, beams helmet-cam video to spectators' PDAs, along with information on players' heart rates, team rosters and real-time Internet chat. The market for sports coverage on mobile devices is booming; Vodaphone has bought mobile rights to matches of Britain's Manchester United soccer team, which promises exciting leaps forward into really up-to-the-minute new forms of technologically advanced hooliganism. Just think what they could do with this system in Cleveland. Imagine being able to actually see the beer bottle hit the ref's head, hear the glassy "skonk" in streaming audio, see his respiration drop as his life ebbs away before your beady, bloodshot eyes. Yes, it's high-tech sports violence... for victory!
SiliconValley.com reports that Bay Area research outfit Exelixis has joined the top ranks of biotech firms with its study of Drosophila melanogaster, the common fruit fly, which is less interesting to me than the fact that apparently some people will just call their companies any damn made-up thing they feel like.
Welcome to Blather Mach 2... a jazz-rock exploration.
It's a good day for foreign news in The New York Times. There's this piece about entrepreneurialism, Afghan style -- a guy who set up shop on a rubble-strewn road through a bombed-out slot canyon, cleared a narrow path and charges a toll for drivers who want to pass through; Elizabeth Rosenthal's Leshan Journal, about a small businessman of a different sort (hint: think waxy ear gunk); and this dispatch about changing Australian attitudes toward kangaroos, who are apparently not only picturesque but delicious too. (Requires free login and password.)
Friday, December 14
Via Boing Boing, the U.S. Marine Corps announces its latest crowd control weapon: Goo. Slippery white goo. A slippery white goo which makes it impossible, in theory, for unruly persons to run away or hurl heavy things or, well, stand up. "Slippery!" commented Col. A.D. "Shemp" Howard about the so-called "Weaponry On-Board Ordnance Battery 3" ("WOOB-WOOB-WOOB"), which the Marines hope to roll out in 2003, because apparently there's 18 months' R&D remaining before they fully perfect STICKY GOO.
Via Spike Report, some show business news. First, a note to prospective critics: If you're going to pan a show, you should actually plan to see it, or be prepared to pay David "Hutch" Soul the equivalent of $247,000. Second, WPIX in New York is reviving its anachronistically cheery Yule Log broadcast. For those of you who didn't grow up in the tri-state area, the Yule Log is an endlessly-repeating seven-minute film loop of a blazing hearth. The station once upon a time broadcast the Yule Log for HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS on Christmas Eve, and it will do so once again this year, for the first time since 1989, thanks to the persistent efforts of a viewer named Joe Malzone. "WE DID IT!!!!" Malzone exults on his web site, marking the culmination of a 12-year campaign. I was going to be snotty about this, but it's Christmas, and God knows there are worse things to campaign for. Congratulations, Joe.
President Bush told reporters he wants Osama bin Laden "dead or alive, either way." He continued: "You know. 'Cuz... whatever. It's like... hoo! Dead. Alive. You know. Nukular. Heh. Hoo!"
In a vicious smack at The New York Times's nearly-unreadable series of movie-star film critiques ("John Travolta sat quietly in a square, well-cushioned chair along the back wall of his home screening room. He had just finished watching 'Yankee Doodle Dandy'"...), the Chicago Tribune's Nara Schoenberg sits down to screen "Quest for Fire" with porn star Ron Jeremy. Trouble is, Jeremy -- the star of "Ally McFeal," "Terms of Endowment," "The Flintbones" and "I've Got Milk" -- can't seem to stay awake. (Via Obscure Store.)
Thursday, December 13
You know the guy in front of you at Starbucks, trying to answer an email on his Blackberry, pecking out a reply with his thumbs, backspacing a correction every sixteen characters, cursing in frustration, holding up the line and generally filling the air with his dark, angry mood? Now picture him behind the wheel of an Explorer.
The Washington Post's Marjorie Williams on a season of truth-telling.
Wednesday, December 12
Today in ObitWatch: Restaurateur Maude Chasen.
Robbie Fulks' "That Bangle Girl" is, as far as I know, the only musical mash note ever written about The Bangles' Susanna Hoffs. It's also one of those cheery, jangly, wholly infectious pop songs you just can't get out of your head. Fulks is an interesting character -- one of those guys who's too pop for Nashville and too country for MTV, which is exactly why you should buy his records. His web site's here.
Dear Friends: Can you believe it's been a year since our last Christmas card? We've been so busy we've barely had time to wipe the blood from our machetes, let alone write to dear old friends. So please forgive us if we send you our holiday greetings in the form of this Death Squad Christmas Letter! Well, where to begin... El Comandante has given us his usual peerless leadership this year, as well as some warm and fleecy "United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia" Polartec vests. They're good-looking and functional to boot, as they give us the arm mobility we need to rev up those chainsaws! Ha, ha, ha! (Seriously, the chainsaws stick sometimes, so we need the arm mobility.) Garza and Benitez are still the same old "cut-ups" (ha! ha! ha!) and Garza wants you all to know that he's recovering nicely from the infection he incurred when we dressed his wounds in the back of the abandoned bus station. The ladies of the Death Squad Auxiliary continue to offer much-needed moral support, and for those of you who weren't able to get to the bake sale in September, you missed it! Lupe made her famous sweet corn tamales and Graciela contributed pan dulce to die for. (Ha! Ha!) A good time was had by all and well over $400 (US) was raised for the Woodchipper Fund. Finally, this year as every year, our young ones give us great pride. Little Rogelio continues to draft fine patriotic poems and prose in his spare time -- not that he's had much, as the leftist rebels have kept us "hopping" this year! But we are hopeful that 2002 will bring us peace, or at least some of those new 40-lb. Craftsman sledgehammers they advertise in the Bogota newspapers. We hope that all our friends are well, and wish nothing but peace and good fortune to them, and of course the usual rain of painful vengeance on the soulless pigs of the left. Salud!
Just say da to the Russian State Film and Photo Archive, now online through the facilities of a Texas media company. (Via Boing Boing. Here's a Christian Science Monitor story.)
Tuesday, December 11
I'm filled with spiritual malaise, and my eyes are starting to go a little droopy besides. And damn it, I'm stuck here in Huntsville, Alabama! I am so screwed. Unless...
Ubergeekiness: Famous Usenet firsts, via the now-complete Google Groups archive.
NewScientist takes a break from items about sweaters that patch themselves and self-licking postage stamps to offer something really useful -- tips on how to avoid alcohol-related dehydration this holiday season. Their advice: Drink more beer.
"Right way to greet a neighbor: 'Howdy, fellow American! What is it you are knowing? Have the nice day!' Wrong way to greet a neighbor: 'Godless infidel! {blood-curdling ululation}'": An al Qaeda guide to living undercover in the West.
Monday, December 10
First it was the thing with Bush and the turkey. Now this. If I didn't know better, I'd say Reuters was actually trying to make the president look foolish.
Malaysia's enlightened immigration policy, which is largely based on caning, has been working so darn well that there are plans to expand it. According to this dispatch from the AP, the Malaysian government will move toward a "one-strike-you're-lashed" policy for illegal immigrants. Current policy mandates up to six lashes for repeat offenders caught sneaking back across the border, raising the question of why anyone would sneak back into a country where the principal instrument of penal rehabilitation is a rattan cane. (Via Morning Fix.)
Ever wonder how big-time amateur athletes actually get their urine checked? Not My Dog explains it all for you, with rather more good-natured humor than I myself might exhibit under the same circumstances.
Sunday, December 9
It pays to be compulsive: A Yale medical student won a red '65 T-bird by reading the copyright notice in his electrocardiography textbook. (Via boing boing.) The author, Dr. Dale Dubin, placed the offer in the fine print to see if anybody would actually read it. Five people did and responded; the winner's name was drawn at random from the respondents. Dubin's daughter delivered the car on Tuesday, top down and music blaring.
The terrorists have already won, Pt. XXIII: A "one-of-a-kind" red-white-and-blue electric guitar is missing and presumed stolen from the personal effects of pop oddity Kid Rock, who had hoped to use it as part of a USO show also featuring Jennifer Lopez and Ja Rule. In a related story out of Toluca Lake, CA, comedian Bob Hope called Kid Rock "nutty," Ja Rule "a marvelous entertainer" and made a guttural meowing sound to describe Lopez, adding: "I'm 137 years old, ya know. That's wild."
"Look, just get a message to Bert. Tell him he drops a dime on his buddy bin Laden and there's some sweet reward coin in it."
J.R.R. Tolkien's son says his father would surely have disapproved of the film adaptation of "Lord of The Rings," setting the stage for the dullest, geekiest slapfight in the history of modern literature.
Mrs. bin Laden pulls out the big stick: She's not angry with her son Osama. No no. She's just very, very disappointed. (And from a secret hideout buried deep in an Afghan mountain, U.S. spy satellites pick up the bleak murmur: "Please. They call me a terrorist? That one, she's the real terror in this family.")
Friday, December 7
A 32-year-old Filipino farmer performed what absolutely no one is calling an autojohnsonectomy late last week, slicing off a section of the male member he believed was driving him to sin. In a related development, "Hang on," said Mexican performance artist Israel Mora. "I may be able to do something with that."(Hmm. Is it just me, or has Blather taken a disturbing turn over the last day or so?)
Thursday, December 6
I think the art critic for the Times of London summed up my feelings when he wrote: "Ewww."
Here's an update to the list of items the Justice Department will allow the FBI to check for as part of its anti-terrorism investigation: Raspberries, porkpie hats, fax paper, pizza (thin crust, thick crust and Neopolitan), Nerf balls, wind socks, actual socks, boxer shorts, Turkish towels, Turkish taffy, lip balm, bright yellow mittens, puppy chow, chicken fajitas, sofa pillows, beer hats, dried roses and remaindered copies of "Dave Barry Does Japan."Items the Justice Department will not allow the FBI to check for as part of its anti-terrorism investigation: Guns.
Wednesday, December 5
If you live in New York and you're concerned about the number of surveillance instruments trained on you and you want to make a really important and yet stunningly small statement about personal privacy in the electronic age, even if it means walking blocks out of your way to avoid being viewed by some bored civil servant who couldn't care less where you go or what you do, i-SEE will plot a path that takes you past the minimum number of video cameras. (Via jish.) Ha! That'll show 'em! Unless... wait a second... unless the site actually captures your route so it can spy on you good and proper. Yeah, that's what it does. It knows where I'm going before I even go outside! How could I have been so stupid? Well, you know what? They ain't spying on me. I'm just gonna kinda sit here real quiet and not go outdoors and not even move all that much, unless it's involuntary muscle movements that are too small for their ultra-high-altitude spy satellites to pick up. That'll show 'em. Yeah. That'll show 'em. Yeah. Show 'em. Yeah.
To the best of my knowledge no one has yet commented on the big design flaw in the Kyocera Smartphone, which is otherwise pretty cool. It's what ergonomists variously call "Grease Overlay," the "Cheeto Effect" or the "Waxy Conundrum," and it results from the user being forced to hold the phone in such a position relative to his cheek that his big old greasy face smudges the touchscreen, obscuring visibility and heightening the "Coefficient of Grossness," or "COG." Those of us with a tendency to perspire noticed the Grease Overlay as far back as the Rex, although it was subsequently pointed out to some of us that the Rex was a credit-card-sized PDA which did not need to be held close to the cheek in order to function; that in fact, holding it to one's cheek was pointless and silly. But it just felt so darn good. Mmmm... Rex.
Three USA Today employees have been fired for playfully writing "graffiti" with their fingertips on a sculpture at Gannett headquarters in Tysons Corner, VA. The three, all women, thought the sculpture was covered with dust. It turns out to have been coated with a pigment that was awaiting a sealant. The incident was caught on video, and all three, despite apologies and offers of restitution, were axed, effective immediately and apparently without severance. (From Lloyd Grove's "Reliable Source" via Obscure Store.) "This incident desecrated a fine work of art," said USA Today president and publisher Tom Curley. "It trivialized it, marginalized it, dumbed it down, broke it up into teeny oversimplified bite-size pieces and--Oh."
It's a new feature -- the Blather Punch-o-Mat! Just close your eyes and lob something soft at your computer screen, and whichever choice it lands closest to is YOUR personally-selected punchline! Yes, new for the holiday season and beyond, it's... the Blather Punch-o-Mat!Actress Patricia Arquette delivered a speech on racial tolerance Tuesday at Long Beach Poly High School, as part of an anti-hate-crime campaign by the entertainment industry and the Los Angeles County Human Relations Commission.
a) The teens, visibly moved, responded to Arquette's remarks with a resounding "Who?"
b) Sure. Because if there's one person in American society who's really respected by at-risk kids, it's Patricia Arquette.
c) Afterward, one student was heard to remark: "Man, didn't Jewel get old?"
Tuesday, December 4
"Und I want schnitzel and ein G.I. Josef and OW! Quittenzie already!": Reuters shows a nice bit of the old holiday deadpan in this dispatch about a German Santa Claus who's accused of slapping a kid and locking him in a broom closet. The child was apparently one of a gang of ruffians who wanted to know what Santa was packing under his big red suit. "It is unclear whether he [will] be allowed to continue handing out presents," the wire service adds helpfully.
@Home -- Adelphia migration troubles continue. I think it's fair to say my grandmother had fewer migration troubles when she came over from Romania.
Today in ObitWatch: Rock and roll songwriter Kal Mann.
I'm going to try really hard not to be gleeful about this, because I have friends who've read all the Harry Potter books three times each and seem vaguely surprised that I haven't, as if it were the law of the land, and who invariably get that raised-eyebrow-and-puzzled-mouth-purse thing going on when I tell them that I'm sure they're very nice but I'm not interested, thanks, no really, thanks, just take one step back off of me and stop jibbering about Hogwart's and Mrs. Flinders and Jabbleydunderwoo the Three-Eyed Mail Monster, and get your cold fingers off my shirt collar, get off, get OFF, but: the box-office for "Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone" is headed south, like a Greyhound to Tijuana.
Monday, December 3
Adelphia ("The Local Cable Dolts Bungling Your ISP Tech Support Since 2001") is apparently in the process of "migrating" my "service" from @Home to their own "high-speed network," and what this will mean I can only guess. Posts may be sparse today. And I may have to go -- yikes! -- go outside or something.
Saturday, December 1
Today in ObitWatch: Movie director Budd Boetticher.
